Why the hell am I awake? Ramblings of a crazy person @ 1:30AM

Why am I awake? I can't sleep right now. This sucks....I am tired all f-ing day and can barely stay awake, and then night comes, I sleep for a couple of hours then I wake up...WHY????

Work is miserable. I am fighting against the "Not invented here" syndrome even though it means I will have one less project to work on, because, even if I work on it, it won't be used. Normally, it is the other way around, with the programmer saying "I can do this much better...see" but when the programmer is the voice of sanity...that's just not right. Add to that the constant stupid computer questions I get because I am the "computer guy" my cube quad, the lack of meaningful work, and the constant feeling that I chose the wrong job, and work is just downright depressing right now. That doesn't help my desire to stay awake, or even my desire to even go there.

I have complained about jobs in the past, but usually, I still felt like I was doing something worth-while. I may not of liked it, but at least I could get SOME job satisfaction out of it. Well, now, I don't even have a performance plan under our new system (even though the cycle ENDS at the end of July) and our pay increases will be directly tied to the score you receive on said performance plans if pay-banding actually goes though. FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! (Where's an exploding head smiley when you need one, I will just have to settle for this one:)

I keep joking that we need to win the Mega-Millions jackpot so I can call in rich. I love the stability of being a govie, but I want to be able to work on my terms, money be damned. I would probably have more fun selling PCs at BestBuy than I would at my current job, I just can't afford to take the pay-cut.

All of this stress/depression caused by work makes it really hard to work on losing weight, because I am an emotional eater. I eat when I am bored (which is CONSTANTLY at work), I eat when I am depressed (which is CONSTANTLY at work AND follows me home) and my eating/weight contributes to that depression. I just can't win.

Once the alarm clock goes off this morning, I will check our Mega-Millions ticket (even though we didn't win, I'm sure) and then trudge off to work just as miserable as ever.

Oh, and I am going to start re-upping my meds..when they were perscribed, I was told I could ramp up to 4xday (2 morning, 2 night) as needed. Well, I had been doing fine on 1 for a while, but that just ain't cuttin' it no mo'. Yesterday, I added the first night pill (which might explain why I am awake since insomnia is a side-effect) and next week, I will ramp up to 2 in the morning and one at night.

Here's to hoping for better living through chemistry.