Friday, March 13, 2009

Damaged goods....Part1

***CAUTION: This post is full of self-reflection, pesimism, and self-pity. It is mostly for venting, and capturing thoughts. Don't bother to read it if you are then just gonna bash on me for self-pity..I am admitting that up front***

Seriously, what is wrong with me? Why am I such a damn pessimist? Why can't I ever see the good in things? Why can't I motivate myself to lose weight, to get things on track, to make my life better?

Now, I am not saying my life is bad, I am saying my life is so-so and would be significantly improved if I lost weight. How you ask? It won't cause horrible pain in my lower back to walk around the block. I won't sweat like a pig when it is 80 out, let-alone when it is 95 out. Clothes will be cheaper, I will be more comfortable in the car, in restaurants, hell, in my own skin. The problem is, I need to lose weight, a significant amount of weight, before I can have the gastric bypass surgery to let me lose the rest of the weight. Right now, I am stagnant, just kind of fluctuating up and down and not making any progress (or instantly erasing any progress I make). Part of the problem is I am an emotional eater. I get stressed, I eat. I get depressed, I eat. I get bored, I eat. The emotional eating, my pessimism and my job make the most evil tri-fecta ever.

Now, I guess I should rewind a bit. Well, more than a bit....lets rewind a lot. We can skip High School because well, overall I feel I was happy in highschool. I enjoyed Choir, musicals had a core of good friends and while I wasn't "popular" I was at least a blip on the radar because of the things I was involved in. College is where my pesimism took the biggest turn and has only been set aside for brief times.

I move into the dorm, it is the weekend before classes are supposed to start and its my birthday. My plan is to go out with the girl I was seeing at the time (we met @ Goddard and she was still a senior in HS) but she broke up with me on the phone. WOHOO! Another bad b-day memory. I won't mention the first because of potential readers, but some of you know what it is and it has been discussed over and over in other venues.

Ok, that was a bump in the road but things started to go along better, then blow #2 occured my my self-esteem of the semester (and this one was more thrown in my face). Another girl who I had met through Goddard (who was also still a HS senior) invited me to go to a dance with her. She knew I was interested in her, she invited me, and then she spent the entire night hanging out with another guy. Keep in mind, I had no idea who anyone else at this dance was. So, I left, went back to CP, and had my first intro to Goldschlager (thanks Jecko!)...mmm...Goldschlager.

At this point, I had gained a few of the Freshman fifteen, but Geoff Blain, Chris DeWeese, maybe Jeff Guy and myself were making a habbit of going to the Gym and that was helping me keep in similar shape as I had been in HS. Not exactly good shape, but better than I would become. Then, early in the second Semester I started dating Jenny, and thus began my downfall. I ended up spending most of my time with her and not enough with my friends. I stopped going to the Gym with the guys, I stopped hanging out with them on a regular basis, and started more frequently ordering carry-out.

My relationship with Jenny wasn't exactly healthy, and there were a couple times where I almost broke up with her but I had such bad self-esteem at that point, that I was afraid that if I broke up with her, I would end up alone through the rest of college. That relationship continued for a long time, my weight ballooned, and I think it was late Junior year when we broke up, but I can't say for sure. Some other things happened after that that REALLY fucked with my head, but I won't be going into that, at least not anytime soon.

Wow...this has gone on much longer than I thought it would, so I will pick up with Part 2 tomorrow. Part 2 will pick up just before Chrissy and I meet and probably bring things up to present day. I just don't feel like typing anymore right now.

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